Extraordinary, Ordinary, and Unordinarily Bad

Living in China is pretty extraordinary. In the last couple of weeks my adventures have not slowed down. I visited a botanical garden where I discovered a secret garden that can only be described as happiness, beauty, and love. I participated in a ping-pong tournament and celebrated my loss with a whole bag of cookies from our favorite local bakery. I discovered a park with a beautiful beach in the middle of the city here in Changsha where I had a beautiful heart to heart with my group members about things in life that matter. I went on a fieldtrip with our sweet preschoolers to wherever the bus hauled us to where we played games, ate tons of food, and made the Chinese traditional “salted duck eggs” by marinating a raw egg in mud, salt, and wine; I’ll let you know how it tastes in a month when it’s done fermenting.

Living in China is also, on some days, pretty ordinary. On an average day we go to school, eat breakfast, teach, eat lunch, come home, eat dinner, clean up, and go to bed. There’s many days in the week we do find mini adventures, but some days are pretty adventure-less. Some days I lay on my hard bed and watch a movie, somedays I go to bed really early, and somedays, just like anywhere else in the world, I also have bad days. Bad days usually feel the longest and in the midst of them even feel as if they make up a big portion of my experience. While this is definitely not the case, I wanted to talk about some of my bad days here in China and highlight how they have helped me and why they have been so important.

There has been one bad day in particular. After a normal day of teaching, I was on my last half hour class of the day. As I began to teach I could feel my anxiety starting to come on for no particular reason. In a normal case of me feeling anxious, I can isolate myself and get control of my emotions. This was not a normal case, so I just forced myself through the anxious feelings and tried not to take it out on the kids. When I finished teaching I came into the teacher room and informed everyone in my group I would not be able to go out and play with the kids. Everyone left to go play and about 5 min later I had a full blown anxiety attack. For anyone who hasn’t experience an anxiety attack, basically your heart starts beating really fast and it feels like you can’t breathe any of the air around you so you start hyperventilating, and in my case I start sobbing uncontrollably. I have never had anxiety until about a year ago and I don’t know why it started and I don’t always know how it is triggered. I just know that it sucks.

When I was again surrounded by lots of people, I excused myself and hid in the bathroom for about 30 min where I had another anxiety attack because I realized how little access I had to my coping mechanisms. Most of them include being by myself which isn’t really possible under my current circumstances. The first thing I typically do when I have an anxiety attack is ask for a priesthood blessing. For those who don’t know, the priesthood is the power of God administered on the earth through men in the latter day saint religion who hold the authority. It’s a direct line from heaven that has been restored and allows us to receive proper ordinances and direction. Not having access to a priesthood holder was not only hard but confusing to me. I have always understood and still know to be true that priesthood power and priesthood authority are different. Just because men in the church have the authority to administer the priesthood doesn’t mean I don’t have the power of god. I can pray for priesthood power and receive comfort the same way I do when I get a blessing. However, I love blessings because of how direct they are, and up until this point I had always had access to receive a priesthood blessing at the drop of a hat. Not being able to have that option, added upon not being able to take the sacrament started weighing on my testimony. I didn’t quite understand the necessity of the priesthood holders if I myself could receive the power. I prayed a lot and talked with my parents and my sister. Although I struggled, I knew it would be okay because I learned from president Nelson in this last general conference that God wants us to know all of his mysteries. I didn’t have the answer but I had faith and trust that I could understand better as I continue to ask and seek.

This past Friday was our mid-semester visit so we had a representative come from ILP to see how our school is doing and to have personal interviews. Well this blessed man was a ray of sunshine! He brought so much positivity and good vibes and I was able to open up to him about my anxiety. He is also a member of my church and a priesthood holder. Not only was he in tune with the spirit enough to ask me if I would like for him to give me a priesthood blessing, but he was also able to administer the sacrament to me and the other girls in my group. Taking the sacrament in my little apartment on a Friday afternoon with some shady cups we had to wash the paint out of was a sacred realization for me. It was so special because it felt just about the same as the other weeks I have been here and just read the sacrament prayer to myself and pondered my covenants. It was just a little extra. It’s kind of like when you get an object lesson. The lesson teaches the same thing without the objects, but they help it become more real. I realized that God does everything he does for us. The commandments, the trials, the tender mercies, the priesthood is all for us. He is a perfect God and he as order and organization. Men hold the priesthood because that is their role in Gods organized church. But, when priesthood holders are not available he makes the same blessings available to us in different ways.

Here is what I learned: 1. God is so aware of us. Always. No matter where we are. No matter who we are. No matter what we believe. No matter what we struggle with. He knows us and he loves us. 2. God is a giver. He does not ever deny us blessings or take them away. He anxiously awaits to give us as many as possible. When we are trying our best to seek god and stay on the path with him, he gives us what we need and constantly enfolds us with his love.

I am grateful for the bad days that allow me to grow and to discover. I am grateful for the good days that truly are much more frequent. I testify of God’s love for every one of his children. I testify in the power and authority of the priesthood. And I testify of the importance of questions and doubts that in the end allow me to nurture my testimony and make it stronger. If anyone has any questions about my beliefs or really anything about this post, please reach out. Or, if you have any additional thoughts or experiences concerning this topic, please share! Have an extraordinary day.